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Approaching 60, The big 6-0.

One person’s take.  Mine!!!!

You know, life gets interesting past 60.

When a date’s underwear covers their belly, and you tell your friends, she’s a “keeper”!

And a breathalyzer, you welcome it.

What about when shuffleboard is a considered a contact sport?

You go to the DMV and consider yourself lucky, when your golf cart, doesn’t need a learner’s permit.

Another psyche job, is when you go out to eat with your young ones and hand out

Your phone number to a 22 year old Hooter’s girl and can’t remember why.

They kids don’t know, that you are serious.

You knew all the Golden Girls, when they were 12 and you had a date with Betsy Ross, before she sewn the flag.  A flag?

You call a computer, “that fandangled thing”.

Your first date was named Gertrude and her hair was already grey.   You were so proud of her and knew her SSN,  when there was only two numbers.

You think that TV Evangelists, really care about people and you send them all your money.

You look at the clock and get in your car at 4:00, go 20mph, during rush hour and then go to KFC and flirt with that Asian girl,  God bless you heart!

You know are getting old, when you kick the tires on your walker.

You and your wife, comment, what’s a remote? (TV)

When using an escalator is an extreme sporting event.

You go a sock-hop and wonder what ‘rap music is?

You think that, the music on an elevator is hard rock.

You remember when no one smiled in a picture!

When a pup tent, was a 5-star hotel!

Mighty Mouse....Saturday mornings:

When you think sooner than later, are the same.

When Ronald Reagan considered becoming a Communist.

When you confuse Benny Hinn with Benny Hill.

The crank on your car broke.

When you commented about Two-live crew, “I should hope so”.

When Bad Grandpa was good.

 

Wile E. Coyote (also known simply as "The Coyote") and The Road Runner are a duo of cartoon characters from a series of Looney Tunes.  In each episode, instead of animal senses and cunning, Wile E. Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions (sometimes in the manner of Rube Goldberg) and elaborate plans to pursue his quarry. The Road Runner vocalizes only with a signature sound, "Beep, Beep".:

 

Thoughts from a bogus…. cat Lacey

I am a cat w/o felt hat.  Do you have a problem with that?  I like to eat and I will repeat it again,  “I love to eat”.   I will also deceive you to eat again and then purr in the corner as I have my quarry too.   I am not afraid of humans but they are afraid of me.   They are afraid because I might rub upon them and claim them as my own.    When you are sleeping I will wake up and run through house and I don’t even know  why.   In fact,   I never know,  unless it is meal time.  And god forbid if you ignore me because I will get in the little box and scratch and scratch until you tell me to stop.

Been there and done that

Been there and done that.  

I am a hero!  I am cat hear me roar…..

I will give you that look and purring walk away.   I am sassy and I know it,   You better not put a bird house near a limb or window,  but Tweetie will be in trouble and I will laugh at your horror.   I am big (8 lbs) and rugged as they come.   I am a snowshoe meaning I am part Siamese,  but I am seldom angry,  a great hunter and I will bring you a bird so you eat healthy.  And I do not do vegan anything.

Lacey1 If it  weren’t for heads I would get lost….

I used to be in the Bluebirds until I realized there were no birds but a bunch of young female humans and they are annoying and stuff.   Now I did join the Girl Scouts because I love the uniform and their cookies rock too.   I also prefer Catsup to spelled that way for some reason but I digress.

And George Carlin is right.   We cats can do anything but because we are adept at reverse engineering.    The Asian people are jealous,  if that tells you anything.   My favorite baseball teams are the Cardinals,  Blue Jays and the Orioles for obvious reasons.   In football I hate the Eagles because they got our running back.   I am not jealous but I am going to give them the Bird Flu.

I am coming out with my Politically Correct Cat Expressions.   I tell you this,   President Obama never chopped down a cherry tree and former President Bush either.   I would love to mace Congress people both parties.   I figure Jackson Galaxy should be president because then we can make dogs second class citizens.   I  mean dogs are lame.   They actually think humans are in control.   Ever see a cat fetch  a newspaper.   If we fetch anything it will have catnip in it and by the way,   Catnip is okay but I prefer Olives and the Pimentos.   I rock and roll to country music and the kind that was cool before country was cool.    It makes dogs howl so it can’t be all bad.

WhAT I  What I dream about,  bird rich environment and claws of aviary destruction…

My owner is a weatherman.   What an ass clown!   He actually thinks his weather should gets windows 8.1.   I do humor him though.   I cuddle up to him to get rid of any fleas and get hair in his beard because you should see him squirm.  Ha.  Humans!   Especially males.   Being a girl cat I have my feline wiles and male cats get twitterpated as I arch my back and my tail fluffy.    I am so bad that I am on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list because I love giving males Cat Scratch Fever but literally and figuratively.

Well I am going to get one of those kitty furniture trees and hang upside down and flaunt my tail for all the studly Tom Cats and to swat my owner when he isn’t looking.    He is  going to think I am deranged because I am and that way when he touches my beautiful fur of my six pack,  he will  be in for a big surprise.   Cats break wind too!

Me and Foghorn mess with the Chicken Hawks and the dogs.   And all that stuff you see about Mice and Dogs getting over on cats.  That is so much  Urban Legend!  Do you realize there are singers with the names Urban and Legend and they coo over that modern junk.   Oh I get it.   Your dog ran away when you got a cat.  hehehe.   Like Bugs I am a stinker and I know it.

By the way,  cat(ch) me at the Cat Improv in the coming weeks.   I am trying to convince my owner to be a dummy and me the ventriloquist and I didn’t even need a dictionary for that.

C4

My Letter to Motel 06. What lights?

Lacey The Cat

Perfect Sleeper

131 Catch Scratch Lane

Just past the Food Dish, NC

April 6, 2015

—————————-

Garfield Smarfield

Complaints Officer

Motel 06

666 Corporate Drive

Atlanta, GA 30303

—————————

Dear Garfield Smarfield:

I am a frequent traveler and have been a loyal customer of your hotel for many years because I appreciate your emphasis on leaving the light on. Yet a recent episode at your hotel has made me question my loyalty.  I was out grooving and cutting a rug and when I got back to the room all you had was a black and white TV with KNOBS!

After a long night of partying you would think you would have a TV that worked and that’s not all.   I was at your Sheridan branch, room 109 and I was shocked.   Not only did the TV have only UHF channels and rabbit ears but someone forgot to feed the rabbit!   The litter box was nasty and the bed bugs were having a convention, in MY room!   And it seems that someone or some others had been sleeping in my bed and drinking my unleaded Sanka Brand Coffee.

I am writing to encourage you to improve your customer service. It is extremely distressing for a loyal, frequent partier to experience such poor service.   Dog Mints?

chomp-yip-yap-breath-mints-for-dogs

I enjoy staying at your hotel for a number of reasons. Overall the atmosphere makes me feel as comfortable, as if I were at home in my cat tree teasing the dog. I hate having my positive feelings about your hotel ruined by one visit. I hope this problem will be corrected prior to my next visit. Oh and next time,  leave two breath mints! FOR CATS!

Sincerely,

Lacey

black cat

I’m a snitch, I am a thief

I love to give you grief…

I ate the squirrel today

And it tasted really great.

 

I know and I can’t change

Tossed salad’s not for me.

CAT and water

 

You looked at me and saw

So innocent and purring

Adorable and all.

 

Yesterday I hissed

Must’ve wondered you missed.

Was that a tear up in my eye.

 

 

So eat your veggie burger’s

I like meat and all that stuff.

Lean Cuisine is so nasty

It tastes like moldy rust.

 

 

I’m a cat,  I’m a glutton,

I’m in your wine and in your dinner

I’m a beggar,  I’m a thief.

You cannot catch me.

 Cat eating cartoon

I am in your nightmares,

Under your big soft couch,

Scratching your bed.

It’s my face that you dread.

 

I ate your plant and stole your covers

And got litter on the floor

And then you swept me up,

Along with it, out the back door.

 

I climbed into the chimney,

Used the soot for camo,

Then I sneezed in your direction

And started laughing all the more.

I'd lol

 

I’m a cat,  I’m a glutton

 ate your dinner, ate your cake.

Now what else can I eat?

I know I am a pain

But you like it that way,

And I will be back after I sleep

and eat again.

robin

Caveman Entertainment Network (CET). Bullies in a blender. Reality TV.

Me and my cavemen counterparts were drooling and scratching our nether regions when all of a sudden there arose such a clatter.   My friends and I are as dumb as a box of rocks and say,  “ugh, alot”.  Very profound commentary for us.  But we do have very strong opinions on everything including our cave chicks.  Errr,   Cave Ladies.

We have discussed boobs,  moobs and Jiffy Lube.   The last is a mystery still til this day.   And why do those cave ladies always make remarks that we can’t understand.    The size of our sticks to the best of my understanding.

Now that our cave darlings feel empowered they are making extensive ‘Honey Do Lists’.     We would rather brood in our so-called mancaves and listen to crickets harmonize by the lake than carve out holes in the walls,  to display their fossilized knick knacks.    Hell,  my old lady and I mean really old lady,  wears granny pants and panties.   Kind of like those basketball shorts in the NBA and cargo pants that are bloused and squared away.   Better than those sexy ladies with the hamburgers in their mouths,  if you ask me.

chickschubakas mom

Which one of these three do not belong?

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But one thing that really bugged us and that is,  is wrastling fake?   Or any more fake than Reality TV?  For one,  does anyone believe that Rick’s son Corey actually knows anything about much except that handshake he does? I mean it is like in the hood with the gun thing.   I wonder if he has maybe a gatt or Tech-9.

Amish Mafia 1Amish Mafia 2

Now me and the cave morons all agree, that the Amish Mafia can’t be real because how can you commit arson on TV and get away with it.   And we wonder about his nice car.   Okay,  I got a horse and you got a Mercedes.  To be protected from what?   Teen girls smoking straw and overnight and illicit games of Scrabble?

Batman Robinrobin

The most inane TV Series is a tie between about 100 Reality TV Shows and ‘The Match Game’ and Gene Rayburn’s microphone.   I am not sure if that is cattle prod for ‘The Butthole Surfers’  or that staff that Moses had in that movie where he was a Pharaoh in training.

As to any of the shows where they are breaking the law what do they think because doesn’t law enforcement have TVs too?  So,  those Moonshine dudes, are on TV and you figure that they would be all in jail by now.    And anyway what happened to the Shapely Sonja on ‘Operation Repo’?   I love that ghoulish makeup and her awesome hair!   Even Billy the Exterminator knows she is a hot ticket in a donut factory.    I do want Billy’s electric Tennis Racquets because I want to nail some churlish wasps while they are sleeping.

Burn baby burn!

When my brother and I were younger he was a rascal.   One day he hit a honey bee hive with a rock and those overly sensitive bees chased us down.   I got stung a few times but rightfully my brother got x10 as many.   Sheez.   Or the day we were playing with Scorpions.

Now why is it when you have shows like the fishing shows that they are always whining like middle school girls?   Cave dudes love to mock and deride other dudes on the deck when the head cave dude is watching WWE and eating Doritos, the insect flavored brands.

Greenhorns my butt,  it is easy to create drama when one does not get enough roe.   Roe this, roe that,  row your boat whiner boy!   In the Storage Wars,  you have Brandi and Yuuuuuuuuup.    The rest is as staged as the Cowardly Lion biting his tail.

But if you want a real classy show,  you have that ‘Ginger’  with the hot ass cave chicks and their good manners.   That poor boy is probably for real,  like they are not my family.    The older guys are just as lame,  still trying to figure out their Tom-Toms and lava lamps.

Could you imagine one of them on a speed date?   “I  like chewing toe bacco and Cave wall porn.”    “My brother’s sister sure does like fyn!” Grunt!!!

I wonder if their National Anthem is Cocaine?   I mean cave dudes are in control of one thing and that is their TV remote controls and their ten foot satellite dishes.   I wonder if Cave chicks had tramp stamps?

I am 59 and it is the best year of my life.

In a matter of moments the countdown to 60 begins in earnest.   So,  59, huh?  I try to think of something about my age,  like maybe a race car number of my favorite car or a date that I find cool.

59barneytruex_bestappearingcar_poc84

Hurtling towards obscurity I notice new things or more accurately slowing down to see what is there.    More stopping and actually feeling and sensing what is around me.   WordPress is opening my mind more and considering I am from a different generation,  that is something.

But I embrace the photos and the poetry and notice the common threads.   I find that I am not so different and for every misstep,   I am not the only one.

I remember the first thoughts about something different from childhood.  The inexorable flood of emotions and the subsequent stray thoughts into feelings I could not comprehend.  Like the classic nerd I am embraced my nerdiness and found solace in dreams.

One thing that is absolutely true,  is that as we age certain things will never be as they were.  Alliances meant to get us through the torturous teen years become all for about self.   The world becomes dog eat dog and the wisest have a star over them.

Getting aged is hilarious.   Especially anatomically.   Hair grows in new place and trees know your name.   That and your underwear keeps growing and velcro is an alternative to tying shoes.   But do not fear there is always next year as the tide rolls in.   Confused yet?  Me too.

I think too many of us climb the stairs too late,  that radiance becomes transposed and the mortality can wait.    We buy a new car with wide wheels and a pair of rose-colored glasses.  Myself,  I drink Viagra and breathe Cialis.   I wear a bald-headed toupee and do my little strut.     I also realize in those commercials the two in separate bath tubs and I think I know what the problem is.    It is elementary my dear Funk and Wagnalls.   You youngins may go and want to look that up.

I am just waiting for stem cells to make me less ugly.    I already have enough legs but a few active brain cells and a subscription to Sports Illustrated.   (The Swimsuit thingie) and I will be in business.    I do not want to be a Hugh Heffner.   Partly because I do not want to be a caricature of myself or an embarrassment to my daughter.

Imagine the resentment of the girls who sleep with a zombie with a shrinking member.   They may get a credit card but the interest due is beyond reconciling.   I could have liposuction on my brain and that way maybe get rid of some accumulated caloric content.

In my next life I am going to live in a Petri Dish.   However that doesn’t include being a virus or an infection.

Well I got to go to Punxsutawney and upstage my name sake in the critical decision of whether there will be six weeks more of winter or an Indian Spring.